Yes, We Still Need to Talk About the Working Moms' Crisis
A boss once told me, working-mom to working-mom:
“My kids are now in middle school, but every morning still feels like a [flipping] miracle. A [flipping] miracle, Randi.”
As fatigue (astonishingly) builds around the working moms’ crisis — perhaps the largest labor and employment crisis we’ve faced as a nation in a century — new research from The Brookings Institution shows us just how urgent this conversation is. As well as what miracle workers working moms have been over the last year and a half.
According to Brookings, since the onset of the pandemic, working moms with children under 12 have spent 8.6 hours daily on direct and indirect childcare activities, and 6.1 hours on professional work each workday.
The technical coaching term for this is: OH. MY. GOD.
I can believe those numbers because, like many of you, I’ve lived them. Yet seeing them in black-and-white is still staggering. Notably, because those 15 hours per day are before cooking, cleaning, sleeping, paying bills, and caring for other members of our families or communities... Let alone doing anything for ourselves beyond the crushing list above.
The beginning of a new school year is a timely moment to revisit the conversation about how we can keep working moms in the workforce—and salvage a generation’s worth of working-mom talent. One that has taken generations upon generations to build. Here are some of my tips for moms and for employers, alike:
For working moms:
Reclaim what you want and need right now: It’s easy for us to be in fire-fighting mode all the time, jumping from one urgent need to another. This leads to exhaustion and can create career drift: a phenomenon whereby we insidiously get pulled away from our goals by the project/crisis/deadline du jour. Carve out some time each weekend to consider what you truly want and need in the week ahead. As well as what you’re going to say “yes” to and “no” to in order to make those things happen. Maybe it’s reconnecting to your passion for your work (or pursuing a job that you could be more passionate about). Maybe it’s connecting to your role as the breadwinner for your family and eliminating just one thing that distracts you from your core mission at work. Perhaps it’s simply finding time to refuel your own tank, which brings us to…
Take time to care for yourself: I’m seeing too many moms relegate self-care to an indulgent, extracurricular activity, instead of making it a baseline requirement. This is just table stakes because we’re losing too many moms to burnout and legitimate exhaustion. Think you don’t have time? Research from Harvard Business School shows that even 30-60 second “micro moments” of self-care can make a measurable impact on your happiness, performance, and reputation at work. Also consider how to build out longer breaks (remember as we head into a holiday weekend that taking our kids on a “family vacation” is not restful time off). True story: when my kids went back to school, my husband and I took three days of vacation to unplug, sleep, hang out one-on-one, and binge Netflix. I needed that time to simply get back to my baseline operating level (and highly recommend it to any parents who are sending their kids back to school right now).
Ask for help: I don’t know a working mom who doesn’t need help with something in her life. Yet we are so concerned with “burdening others.” Consider a few things: the first of which being that asking for support is a sign of strength, not of weakness. Still not convinced? Overwhelming research shows that serving others is something that can actually enhance our mood, sense of purpose, and overall happiness. Sure, asking for help is an ask, but one that might actually create some small joy and purpose for the person you reach out to. If you don’t want to impose on a friend or family member, consider where you can pay for more support. Research from Dr. Ashley Whillans at Harvard shows that paying small amounts of money to outsource easy tasks (think cooking, cleaning, and laundry) can cultivate incredible amounts “time affluence.” The phenomenon whereby we live a measurably happier life by reclaiming even small chunks of our time.
For employers:
Consider context: Even in the midst of the Great Resignation, I’m seeing too many incredible organizations lose incredible working-mom talent to the little things: like insisting on video for non-essential meetings when the quietest place in a working mom’s house is the bathroom floor. Or conducting performance reviews, and making decisions around promotion, compensation and bonus, that don’t reflect the uniquely exceptional contributions your working-parent-talent has made this year (or at least a perception of this).
Ask your working moms what they need: Some need help with staffing or deadlines. Others are craving more meaningful work. Most of the disconnects I’m seeing between working moms, their managers, and their direct reports is simply due to unclear communication: with teams operating on too many unverified assumptions and too few actual conversations. Open the lines of communication to co-design and problem-solve together, and then actually be responsive as best you can. Research from LinkedIn shows that over two thirds of working moms are downplaying their stress and exhaustion in the workplace for fear of being viewed as less productive and less committed. So, as you open up communication, be aware of where you may have implicit bias or where you may create the perception of implicit bias.
Lead by example: When you set and honor boundaries, when you disconnect, when you lead by example, you give your people permission to follow. One of the things I hear all the time is, “I want my people to rest on the weekends. I email on the weekends because it’s my time to catch up, but I tell my people to just respond when they can.” Working moms feel like they are never off —and by the way, so do your non-parents. If it's not urgent, simply use the functions in Outlook, Google Mail, or Slack to delay send your message until Monday morning. Few things are as easy as the literal click of a button. Same goes for taking vacation and actually unplugging. Or for attending to things in your personal life (e.g. taking the dog to the vet or going to the dentist and —again — actually disconnecting for a mere 20-45 minutes it takes to do it).
Final thought:
Even 18 months into it, it’s difficult to talk about the “working moms’ crisis” in a universal way.
One of the things that makes this crisis so complex is that it has played out differently in each and every household. From my 30,000 foot vantage point, I’ve watched moms who have switched jobs, earned promotions or raises, and launched their own businesses. I’ve also talked to countless women who are among the 2 million and counting who have left the workforce. Like so many of you, I myself feel like I’ve experienced the daily roller coaster of this unrelenting uncertainty.
Keep in touch:
If you’re a working mom who needs a sounding board and a leader who employs them who feels uncertain about what to do next to support, retain and advance your best people, please reach out: I hold weekly office hours for non-clients and would be happy to speak with you.
Randi Braun is a certified executive coach, consultant, speaker, and the CEO of Something Major. Get in touch with Randi via email or social (below). Copyright 2021. All rights reserved.