Infertility & Yearning for (Working) Motherhood Part II: Spotlight on Megan Stewart
After having her daughter Rowan in March 2016, when Megan Stewart thought about having a second child her concerns centered on: when would they feel “ready” for another baby and could they afford to pay for two in daycare at the same time? Having gotten pregnant easily the first time around, the thought of struggling to conceive never even crossed her mind … until it happened.
As Megan’s fertility journey progressed on, so did her calling for a new challenge at work. Month after month, she simultaneously pursued both goals: growing her career and growing her family. She thought she was on top of the world in October 2018 when she found out she was a finalist for a senior role at the National Association of Manufacturers (NAM) and also pregnant again. She knew she’d have to negotiate for maternity leave but, as a sales leader with 15 years of experience, Megan didn’t sweat it the way other women might. She got the offer and got to work negotiating her leave, as well as the broader compensation package.
She’d been here before: in the spring of 2016 she had started a new job while 35 weeks pregnant with Rowan, negotiating a fully-paid 12 weeks of leave. The expert negotiator, it appeared she’d done it again in getting the big job while pregnant and negotiating a fully-paid maternity leave.
While I was home on my second maternity leave at this time, Megan and I had kept up our cadence of speaking daily. It was a habit we had developed while working together over the course of nearly five years at two different companies. As she had been negotiating the package we had been strategizing together the whole way.
One morning as I was feeding my son, a text came in from Megan. As I saw her name cross the locked screen of my iPhone, I reached over to my nightstand and picked it up. I was expecting to read that she had signed the paperwork, and was ready to send a flurry of champagne emojis and Bravo TV memes. Instead, as I read on, the unthinkable had happened: Megan had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. Again.
“I had an early miscarriage in the summer of 2018, which I didn’t worry about since I knew it was very common for women to experience at least one. I was disappointed but ready to try again. The second time, I was so much sadder. And on top of that, I knew I was going to have to share a very personal and emotional situation with my brand-new employer.”
While the second miscarriage came as a shock to Megan, according to Dr. Ellen Goldstein, a double board-certified Infertility Specialist based in Los Angeles, one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage. “Every day women are miscarrying in the boardroom, during a job interview, or at the operating table. Can you imagine how that feels? It’s so common and yet we have this culture of not talking about it.”
It’s hard enough to negotiate for maternity leave while pregnant, even if Megan had always made it seem easy: she was two for two on it! Adding insult to injury this time, she had already set expectations that she’d be on maternity leave in May--something clearly not happening anymore--and had to tell a brand new boss who she didn’t even work for yet that she had miscarried; something so incredibly painful and vulnerable. While the choice to share or not share a miscarriage is a deeply personal one, for Megan it was also a matter of sheer logistics:
“Having just negotiated a creative package that would enable me to take maternity leave despite being at the organization for less than a year, I kind of felt like a fraud--crazy, I know, even though this was awful and totally beyond my control. But, I had no choice but to tell my new boss. Under the circumstances, I couldn’t put it off, so I decided to be direct and honest about the situation, including sharing that my husband and I were sad and disappointed.”
Knowing that Megan and her new boss had a lunch scheduled in a few weeks, she decided to share the news over email:
“I didn’t want to blindside him when I saw him. Not because I thought he would be uncomfortable but because I was uncomfortable. I had no reason to worry: he responded with empathy and understanding, which was incredibly reassuring. A couple of days later, a beautiful bouquet of condolence flowers arrived at my house. His response and the NAM’s actions reaffirmed that I’d chosen an organization that really cares about its employees.”
That was foundational to their working relationship, and it’s a lesson that all organizations and their leaders should heed. Having had the pleasure of working directly with Megan and her boss, in training their membership team at NAM, I’ve witnessed the closeness of their relationship and the depth of their trust firsthand.
On a recent morning, while holding Megan’s 2-week-old daughter Sloane, I asked her what else she wants women to know. Here are her four top tips about negotiating for maternity leave and miscarrying during a job negotiation:
Know Your Worth: Have confidence in yourself and the value you’re bringing to the table. Whether you’re pregnant or require another type of accommodation, the right organization is going to want you and will work with you accordingly.
Get Creative: While you may not be eligible for formal paid leave, you can negotiate creatively to make sure you can take the time you need without taking a financial hit. Consider negotiating a signing bonus commensurate with the time you’ll be away.
Look Into Disability Coverage: A lot of organizations offer a buy-up for short-term disability, sick leave, and/or vacation time. This can be just a few dollars out of each paycheck but add up to big returns during your leave.
Consider Interspersing Paid & Unpaid Time: Work with your HR and Finance teams to intersperse unpaid days with paid ones. For example, if you know you’ll be taking 5 days of unpaid leave, take one unpaid day each week. This way, you will consistently receive a paycheck and won’t have any weeks that are entirely unpaid.
You Don’t have to Hide: I actually had a third miscarriage in March of 2019 at 9 weeks. This time, it was right before our board meeting in Arizona, so I had to make some tough decisions about how to handle it physically and with communicating it at work. Given the demanding schedule of our board meetings and my need to rest more than usual, I needed to tell my boss again. As Dr. Goldstein says, this happens all the time. If you had any other medical emergency, you would ask for the accommodations you need from your place of work. This is no different, so you should feel empowered to take whatever time or space you need to recover, physically and emotionally.
Megan isn’t just a trusted peer mentor or one of my closest friends, she’s genuinely one of the most talented people I’ve ever worked with. A frequent behind-the-scenes thought partner to Something Major, I’m thrilled to share Megan’s story and insights with our community. Thank you again, Megan, for sharing your journey.
Join Megan on Weds, April 21st at 7:30pm ET for a panel discussion on Infertility & Longing for (Working) Motherhood. Register for free here.
Randi Braun is a coach, consultant, speaker, and the Founder of Something Major. Get in touch with Randi via email or social (below). Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.