Infertility & Yearning for (Working) Motherhood Part I: Spotlight on Stephanie Schwartz
Stephanie Schwartz has a plan for everything. Come to her home on a weekend when she’s hosting out of town family and the weekend’s meal schedule (including the menu) are posted on the chalkboard inside her kitchen. Next year’s vacations have already been planned and Stephanie’s meals for the next two weeks are already cooked and frozen.
Naturally, Stephanie also had a plan for what working motherhood looked like. She spent her 20s and the first half of her 30s climbing the ladder as a fundraising executive at some of Washington’s most distinguished institutions. In her spare time she got her MBA. As our synagogue bursted with baby strollers, Stephanie stood firm on “not yet.” There was a plan.
So when Stephanie didn’t get pregnant right away, friends teased her with “you can’t plan these things” and then tried to appease her with “don’t worry, Stephanie, it will come.” But it didn’t come and that hit her hard:
“When I hit my mid-30’s, it seemed like everyone had a baby but me. I was never in a rush, I got married on the younger side and loved having 10 years of marriage that was just my husband and me. As we tried to get pregnant, it seemed like everyone was racing ahead. Suddenly, it seemed like ALL of my friends were pregnant; people with one child were expecting again and those with two were having three. I was suddenly so far behind. It felt like I couldn’t even talk about it. I started to pull back from social events, going to synagogue, and just generally being around people with children.”
Stephanie began her fertility journey in November 2014 and gave birth to her son Judah on November 18, 2017. Three years she describes as “incredibly lonely, isolating, and painful.”
That “stigma of silence” around infertility is an all-too-common problem, according to Dr. Ellen Goldstein, a double board-certified Infertility Specialist based in Los Angeles. “You currently know multiple people going through this right now: friends, people in your office. At least one in every eight couples have trouble getting pregnant.”
The journey, as anybody who has been through it knows, is incredibly grueling. As in vitro fertilization (IVF) took its physical and emotional toll on Stephanie, her performance as the Chief of Staff in George Washington University's Division of Development and Alumni Relations didn’t miss a beat. The ultimate planner, her schedule did however, and Stephanie’s calendar was suddenly getting turned upside down on a regular basis:
“It’s a real challenge. Medically, certain things must happen on certain days, at certain times, and there is zero flexibility. There were a couple of times I had to skip important meetings at the last minute because I found out that an egg retrieval would take place the following day, two days earlier than predicted.
In addition to juggling the logistics, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. IVF, especially multiple rounds, really takes its toll. After my third cycle, I developed a rare but serious side effect that led to me needing an additional surgery. I called out sick, again, for an entire week.”
Just because this type of calendar upheaval is normal doesn’t make it any easier, especially for working women with demanding jobs or for women who develop complications. Stephanie fell into both of those categories.
With every IVF cycle, Dr. Goldstein points out, “you’re going to be late to work six times in a two-week period, with practically no advanced notice. So how do you want to message that to your team, boss, or office so you don’t just seem flakey?” Stephanie ultimately made the decision to talk about her IVF at work, something Dr. Goldstein also recommends whenever possible.
“I had an incredibly supportive manager who gave me a great deal of flexibility and a thoughtful senior-level colleague who could step in to cover for me if I was out of the office unexpectedly. My advice to other women: try to line up a small support network at work. It can really help.”
After sharing her remarkable story, I asked Stephanie what else she wanted women to know. Here are Stephanie’s 6 tips for managing your professional life while going through fertility treatment:
Opening Up: It may make sense to discuss your circumstances with your colleagues or manager if you feel comfortable.
Managing Time: If you have sick leave, you should use it. Document in advance when you know you will be out of the office. Talk to your doctor who can provide a note - you’re in the fertility office so frequently that it is easy to pick up a note for your employer if needed.
Work Travel: Managing work travel and fertility treatment is very, very hard. Although you can do it, it may be helpful to schedule an IVF or IUI (intrauterine insemination, an intervention attempted before IVF) cycle around your travel if you can. If you must travel, you can do your monitoring appointments and injections while you are away. Your doctor can identify clinics in other areas where you can have monitoring appointments. You can also visit an urgent care center or hire a nurse if you need help with injections.
The Emotional Toll: Like working motherhood, working while undergoing fertility treatment is hard. Be kind to yourself. Take it one day at a time.
Self Care: Work self care into your work day. I started a daily meditation practice and made it a point to take a few minutes of the workday, in addition to the early mornings, to meditate.
Seeking Support: I serve as an informal mentor to women currently undergoing fertility treatment and am happy to talk, answer questions, or just listen. Please don’t hesitate to contact me.
As Stephanie’s friend I am continuously in awe of her unique combination of grace, candor, generosity, and thoughtfulness. Thank you, Stephanie, for sharing your story with our community.
Join Stephanie on Weds, April 21st at 7:30pm ET for a panel discussion on Infertility & Longing for (Working) Motherhood. Register for free here.
Randi Braun is a coach, consultant, speaker, and the Founder of Something Major. Get in touch with Randi via email or social (below). Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.